Do over

I’m assuming that most of you have heard of the term ‘do over’ in reference to therapeutic parenting. My understanding of the basic premise is that you call your child on some behavior that’s not appropriate and you invite them to do it over, in order to fix it. This being a reasonable first response instead of diving into consequence mode, and actually more effective in our children learning. Getting a child to change their behavior right away, goes a long way to creating those defaults in the brain that we want.

Now in reality, a little harder than it sounds. And certainly not soft or wussy.

I get it all in theory, and I can say that I am getting better at using this as my first response. It takes loads of practice for me. What I wasn’t expecting was that I would need ‘do over’s’ extended to me.

Lately it feels daily that I need to look at a child and say ‘I’m sorry that’s how I responded to you. Here is what I wish I had said and done.’ and then I re do it. My kids are thankfully very gracious and forgiving. It’s hard! Hard work! Which gives me insight into how great every successful do over is for our kids.

Now in our house, do over’s are supposed to be that. Do over’s. Meaning that it’s done. If you’ve fixed it, you’ve fixed it. We might have a discussion as to the what the behavior was, and why, and if there is any further work that needs to be done. But it’s supposed to be an opportunity of grace that allows us put in the hard work to fixing our mistakes. That’s our goal.

We’ve been dealing with a person again who has been dead set against Miss Joy, or rather HIV. We were hoping that time, education, and meeting her would alleviate the fear and anger.

It hasn’t. And before you ask, yes, we’ve kept our kids safe.

I explained the whole situation to a lawyer to works in HIV advocacy and law. She told me about a legal process that is an option to us. I will spare you the details.  I have to say it’s tempting. And I won’t say no to that option if it’s needed. At this time, it would be proving a point, and I’m guessing nothing more.

I have a theory that this person started out with their aggressive stance of anger and exclusion, and now might be doubting their position, but doesn’t know how to get out of it.

Maybe it’s time to offer a do over.

‘It’

Miss Joy and I were at her pediatric clinic the other day for her three month check up. This particular clinic caters to women and children, and has a wonderful array of support services. Because of that, we often see a diversity of people in the clinic. Quite of few people that would be described as ‘marginal society’ or a ‘low income/social’ demographic. I’ve been asked if there might be a ‘safer’ clinic to take Miss Joy. If there is a place for us to go where we wouldn’t need to run into this level of diversity. This makes me laugh. By simple fact that I am a white woman raising black children, we are diverse and marginal. Adding the HIV component makes us about 1 in a province, diversely marginal.

HIV becomes the common denominator. It levels the playing field, breaks down boundaries of economics, race, abilities. Why not acknowledge that. I am not scared, or worried. I like that in this place we are all as equal as it’s going to get, and have this one big thing in common. It creates connection like almost nothing else I’ve ever experienced. The clinic is the most accepting, kind place I’ve ever been. Other group settings should sit up and pay attention.

We saw children in foster care, several African immigrants, and one woman who had been brought in by her social worker. This woman was obviously high on a substance. She was vibrating, among other symptoms. I was sitting in an arm chair comforting Miss Joy who had just finished getting blood work drawn. This woman immediately gravitated towards us. The conversation went something like this:

Her: Hi! How are you!

Me: We are ok, how are you?

Her (as she leans in close): She doesn’t have IT, does she?

Me (thinking, well, we are in the HIV clinic):  Yes she does.

Her: Oh No! Were you not taking your meds? I didn’t take my meds when I was pregnant, but my daughter’s ok!’

Me (having a surreal moment):  Uh, she’s adopted.

Her: Oh. So your partner’s not black?

Me: Nope.

Her: So is he white?

Me: blink, blink…

Her: Where’s she from?

Me: Africa

Her: How much did she cost?

And it was at this point that the clinic social worker came up and said ‘Hello dear, time to come into my office!’

Phew.

But. As she’s being escorted down the hall, she is telling everyone that she is now going to go get a baby from Africa because they are cute!

Equal parts laughter, shaking my head, and frustration.

I answered this woman’s questions far more than I normally would. I’ve worked with people addicted to heroin. I know that simple, literal answers are the best. I can’t shame her into rethinking or reframing the questions she’s asking at that time.

Was it awkward, surreal, and slightly hysterical?

Yup. Wouldn’t want it any other way. I’m sure this experience could spark a variety of discussions and debates. I’m choosing to simply tell the story.

PS. I had another surreal moment that day. At one point, the only other people in the waiting room were a few African women. The building is old, square, and concrete. I had to remind myself at one point that I was in Canada, not Africa, because it looked and sounded exactly like one of the many waiting rooms I’ve sat in when in Africa. Weird. And cool. Too bad I didn’t get the weather and fruit to go along with it.

It’s that time of year again

Wow, does today ever have more meaning! Love it! We are celebrating today.

X-ray

Miss Joy went for a chest x-ray yesterday. This is pretty routine, given her medical history.

Off  B.man and Miss Joy and I went to the hospital.

I had not realized how infrequently I head out into the public sector where I need to define my role in my children’s lives.

Every single fargin person at the hospital, except one, gave me 20 questions as to my relationship to Miss Joy. I had to show ID, recite her stats, etc. even though it was already on file.

Not to mislead you all, but I actually didn’t get my panties in a knot about this. I mean, sure it bugs me, but I get that most people are just doing their job.

The point of this post is to tell you two things:

1. Miss Joy has an unholy fear of all hospital workers. Let’s just say that her previous experiences weren’t sunshiney and she now screams for everything, even routine, unpokey experiences. It’s not fun. I share this, to enlighten those of you who may be considering or doing an HIV adoption. Prepare for lots of energy, treats, soothing, etc in medical situations. Also, these experiences make me sweat a lot. So bring a spare shirt, or put an extra swipe of pit stick on in the morning. Seriously, when talking her through things as painless as an x-ray, I am dripping sweat at the end.

And 2. The tech at Radiology is now my personal hero of the week. He was awesome! Awesome with the kids, with me, etc. He didn’t ask for my definition, but immediately referred to me as ‘Mom’. Turns out he has a black son and attends a certain camp in Naramata, so chances are some of you already know him. I didn’t get his name, cause apparently I lose my brain, along with my sweat, in those circumstances. Anyhow, if any of you know him, tell him he made my week! When I thanked him for assuming I was the mom, he did tell me that most adults who bring children in who don’t match them, are the nannies. I guess I could be mistaken for a nanny. Cause the hordes of children who are saying ‘Mama! Mama!’ to me over and over again aren’t a dead giveaway of my nannying description.

I jest again. No reprimanding comments for me to calm down.

And a surprise #3! B.man made me squishy during the x-ray. He decided to be brave for his sis and show her that this was no big deal, and took his shirt off in solidarity.

These two crack me up. If one can do it, so can the other! They drove me nuts in a good way yesterday. All day long they told me, over and over again, how much they loved the other.

I, apparently, am chopped liver.

A family that needs some love

Hey Peeps, meet Cynthia and her expanding family. If you can help in any way or even just drop her a line of support or encouragement, it will mean the world. I know.

We are parents of six biological children and two adopted domestically.  All girls except for one lonely boy!  The two oldest girls(one adopted and one bio) have already moved out; one is in college in Hawaii and one is in the army.  We are adopting four year old boy/girl twins from Eastern Europe and the little girl has HIV.  We have to make three trips which is a big part of all of the expenses and we hope to make our first trip where we are allowed to bring them home to host before Christmas.  We are currently having a giveaway of an Ipad 2 and entries are granted from donations, purchases from our online store, forwarding our blog or website info on the giveaway on FB,  and prayers (sending me an email to let me know).    We have been humbled by this experience and are truly and deeply appreciative for any and all support and help.  – Cynthia

http://www.adreamadoption.blogspot.com/

http://www.walnutgrovetraditions.com

Protected: Clinic

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Don’t make me think up a title.

I am here to just chronicle the stuff that is happening.

1. Miss Joy is rocking the toilet gig and I am super duper happy she is not younger than she is. Should I feel bad about that?

2. I start each day with anxiety, overwhelmed feelings, and tears.

3. I end each day happy, content, tired and thinking I am super smart. Ha!

4. Rana is fantastic and posted our arrival pictures so that I don’t have too. And I’m too lazy to link, so you will just have to find her blog on the right hand side over there under Ranavan.

5. Miss Joy had her family doc visit yesterday cause our receptionist is fantastic and saved us two appointments. Usually takes two weeks to get in. She was fantastic and our HUGE rugby playing South African Dr. treated her like fine bone china and positively gushed over her.

(yes, I avoid getting paps done by him and the same receptionist usually calls me when there is a female student Dr. with smaller hands)

TMI? My filters are not so great these days.

6. The pediatric HIV clinic called us THREE times yesterday. I love them already. The nurse called, another nurse called and the pharmacist called. They also got us in today, which is another miracle as they are smoking busy down there. Also, the most fantastic nurses have booked us to see the Dr., the nurse, the dietician, the pharmacist, the social worker and at least one other team member. I have never been more excited for a Dr. visit. Doubtful Miss Joy feels the same. Will let you know how it all goes.

7. I sat on hold with MSP (medical services plan) until I thought my brain would explode. But it paid off and I talked to the most fantastic man who gave me his direct fax number after I begged for him to help us. We don’t have money to pay for all the medical bills up front at this point. What with all the travel and adoption, etc… He has agreed to get us her Care card number this week. That is a miracle too.

8. Still tired and jet lagged, but not nearly as bad as I thought it would be.

9. Had the first funny/weird comment about my ‘twins’ at the playground. Random woman walked up, didn’t talk to me, but said ‘Hello, number 1 and number 2.’

Huh?

Ok. Whatever. I won’t over analyze it.

10. The best news in the Universe? Our GG (Greek Grandma) who has been out of commission for months now, called to see how we are doing. She is coming next week to help me clean and do laundry. Hallelujah!

Caves, etc.

Today we spent the morning going to the Lesotho caves. When we were told by the guide that they were the famous caves and about 25km away, we were quite excited. After a 50km drive, half of which was on washed out gravel roads, we arrived. We hiked down about 10 minutes, and discovered that the caves were actually homes that had been built into the underhang of a mountain. We felt awkward as we realized that six families still live here and have been told by the tourism board to put up with people traipsing into their homes. We tried to be as polite as possible. It was not what we were expecting at all, but a phenomenal experience nonetheless. To sit in these homes and see how this community of people lives was both humbling and inspiring. There was one granny who invited me into her home to sit with her. Despite no language in common we had a grand time. At the end of my visit with her, I offered her some chocolate. Who knew! Chocolate was as big a deal to her as Christmas morning to a 3 year old. It was the sweetest moment.

We drove back to our guest house enjoying the stunning and panoramic views the whole way. We feel so lucky to be here at this time of year. We are right in the middle of spring. The peach trees are covering all the hills in pink, all the other trees are just starting to leaf out and the day time temperatures are warm and comfortable. It is a magical window in the seasons.

We then drove out for an official meeting where the head social worker could view all the families and see how the bonding process is going. This was significantly more official in theory than in practicality. We all just played for about half an hour and then went on our ways. We have the official check that our daughter is bonding well with us.

Sadly, we learned during this visit that the passport machine is broken and the woman in charge wants to add some requirements which may result in us having to stay longer in country. We are going to fight this as diplomatically as we can, but TIA. Mass frustration for all the families here right now. Good thing we are able to spend our evenings doing braii (bbq) and drinking wine.

Peeps, could you all to a collective crossing of fingers and holding of breath that we might get this timeline back on track? I’m feeling so torn between my kiddo’s. I’m ready to see that we are on the slope towards making it home.

On a Miss Joy note, she is doing great. She has had a few times of extreme grief expression, but allows me to comfort her and every day gets closer to me. When we are out in public she has to be clinging to one of us and will rarely speak to strangers that approach her. All in all, good stuff. Add to which that she is sleeping through the night, potty training like a super star and chattering a storm up. She is not keen to learn English, so we are learning our Sesotho as fast as possible. The only English phrases she will use are: Potty and Cup of tea. My girl loves her some rooibos tea. Otherwise we are having to communicate with her in Sesotho and oddly, we are managing. Also, thanks to Melissa’s visual aids!!!! Seriously woman, you could go into business for adoptive families!!!

As for the HIV stuff. Holy Hen Poop! It’s a crazy no brainer. I will expand in the future, but right now she get’s two pills every twelve hours that she happily chews up and swallows. It’s seriously the easiest thing in the whole world and we are already forgetting about the HIV. Even G.man commented that he forgets about it. Honestly, remembering to give the meds to her is the most stressful part, and with an alarm, it’s not!

Ok, ‘nough for now.

Love from Lesotho!

Pics as soon as my photographer will upload and shrink them.

 

Church

I’m sure some of you know the process of us bringing our adoption to our church has had it’s twists and turns. We’ve had some challenging experiences and responses. It’s been an opportunity to learn and get stronger, and more sure of myself.

Last Sunday was our last time at church before we travel.

We were invited to get up in front of the church and talk about Joy and get an official ‘send off’. This is pretty normal at our church. For new babies to be announced, shown off and celebrated. For people traveling, to tell the community what they are doing. Since we fall into both categories, we got to do both.

I’m so proud of the leadership, for the people that got involved, and us!

My pastor and I had coffee before this happened to brain storm and talk. We talked through what this process has looked like and we both made some things right. We talked about how neither of us has done this before, and that it will not be perfect. There is no formula for this process. We both committed to trying, to communicate and to give each other grace to make mistakes.

On Sunday morning we got up there with our dear pastor/friend and we got to introduce Joy via photo. We talked a little bit about the process and how she is legally our daughter now. We talked about what we know about her, and announced that she is HIV+. We then talked about HIV and how it isn’t a risk to the community. We provided resources and had 4 people, one a Dr., appointed as educators for anyone in the community who has questions or concerns.

And by “we”, I mean Hoty. He was awesome! He rocked it. I just stood there and tried not to pass out or barf. Seriously. He finished everything off by saying ‘What does this all mean? That you can treat her like any other little girl. That you can treat her like my little girl.’

And then people were invited to come up and circle us with support and prayer. (sorry, my atheist peeps, bear with me) I was shocked at how many people came and surrounded us. One man prayed, and cried his way through it. A wonderful Ugandan matriarch came and prayed. She started by telling the church what this means to her, as an African woman, and couldn’t get through it for the tears. (Yes, I was bawling by this time) Then she prayed for us, and especially for Joy, in Lugandan. It was a special moment. My pastor-friend prayed for our protection.

Then people were asked to be kind and celebratory towards us. To be respectful with this information.

After church I had only kind responses and gentleness extended to me. I met an Estonian woman that morning who was visiting with her three adopted children. She was in awe. She kept telling me that she was amazed that this church was so embracing of our adoption. She told me what the culture is like in Estonia in regards to adoption.

I honestly told her that it’s been a hard journey to this place, but so worth it. And it’s true. Several months ago I would not have imagined that we could be in this place with our church.

I am humbled and grateful and reminded again, to be patient with people.

PS. We know we didn’t have to disclose, but once again, we knew some people already knew. We wanted to be clear, set the tone, and do away with any misconceptions. We wanted any concerns or questions to be dealt with before Joy comes home. Would I recommend this approach for everyone? Absolutely not. We are so fortunate it has turned out this way for us, but I am aware that this is rare.

(I feel like all my disclosure posts should come with a warning that this isn’t the easy road, and certainly not right for everyone.)

Countdown – Monday

Running some errands, included in are: buying the supplies to make little Universal Precaution kits. A ziploc bag with some bandaids, sterile wipes and gloves.  And hitting an aromatherapy store for a scent that I can put on me, Joy’s stuffie dolly and her blankie. Preferably a soothing smell.

Had totes show up at my door, literally (THANK YOU DEATHSTAR) and so now I can fill them with donations that are sitting in my closet.

Have a meeting.

And many other little things….busy. Good. Busy. Good.

And since I’m boring today, check out this post that has the best photo ever.