Codliver Oil and Chocolate

*Pic from Google Images

I sit here, in the rare quiet of an afternoon, with one child napping and the others all at the playground.

I’m eating chocolate that was in my desk drawer. That chocolate, to be exact.

It’s with some frustration that I sit here. At night, when I am struggling to sleep, I will either try to answer questions that are bothering me or I write blog posts in my head. Good blog posts. With depth, meaning, and amazing sentences. I’m not joking, I really do this. I think to myself, “I need to remember that line!”

Come morning, I can’t.

I will remember themes, and so that is what you will get today. The theme that I have been rolling around my head the last few nights is about gratitude, self care and celebrations.

You see, it wasn’t too long ago that I started reading Ann Voskamp’s book ‘One Thousand Gifts’. One passage helped me  clarify why I do too much and feel so busy. It was a profound learning experience for me, one that I continue to try and remember. I find myself driving more calmly these days. Focusing more on the one thing in front of me instead of what all needs to be accomplished during that day. It’s baby steps, but I am noticing a difference. I had to return the book to the library before I finished it, and I don’t actually know the whole point of the book. I am going to make the assumption, and those of you who have read it may correct me, that the basic simplified premise, is of her journey to learning contentment and happiness by making gratitude a daily practice.

I understand that practicing gratitude is a good idea. It’s a great idea, in fact. Gratitude can shake up a bad mood, shift a selfish mind frame, dust off self pity and remove discontent. To focus on being grateful, even when you don’t feel like it, is a practice my mom taught me, and something that both Hoty and I have been reminded to do in our marriage by those wiser than us.

It’s safe to say that I understand that gratitude is wonderful and healthy. Much like exercise. You don’t necessarily feel like doing it, but once you are, it can feel great and the cumulative benefits are far reaching.

Practicing gratitude has always felt like exactly that. Exercise. It doesn’t excite me. Keeping a gratitude journal feels almost cliche these days. Like our lives are so pathetic, narrow and selfish that we have to force ourselves to swallow a spoonful of gratitude every day just to keep our emotional selves from atrophy, or worse, apathy.

While chewing on all these thoughts, I had been  feeling rather petulant and selfish for saying that I didn’t want to keep a list of gratitude’s. It was at this point that I gave it up. I gave myself permission to stop trying to keep a list of reasons to be grateful. It feels like too much work, yet another thing I have to do,  another list hanging around.

I started thinking about an experience I had with a counselor. Actually, I think he was a psychologist. Regardless, he was a very educated and wise man. I saw him twice after my hostage taking in Swaziland. If I had had the courage, I would have continued seeing him. He was one of those people that cuts through all the crap and gets to the heart of the matter. In the first five minutes. It was Hard Work with a lot of processing time required afterwards.

We covered my story in Swaziland, about my nightmares, and he asked about any other sexual abuse I may have experienced in my life, during my first visit.

The next time I saw him, we talked about how there had been an extended family party that I felt obligated to attend, but had allowed myself to make the choice not to go. I knew that one of the people who had abused me would be there. I have been to family events where this person had been before, and I almost always just ignored him and his. It’s been horrible and awkward, but I’d always felt that I should go to support other people in my family.

This time I looked at the situation. I looked at my head space, and decided. No. No, I am not going. It’s always weird and awkward, gross and unresolved. I don’t want to go.

And I didn’t.

After talking about this whole scenario, the counselor gave me homework. To do one thing for myself everyday. He said my face lit up in a way he had never seen, when I told him about allowing myself not to attend. In choosing not to go, I did what I wanted, and what was healthiest for me.

I haven’t been deliberate about this homework for quite some time. I dust it off when I’ve had a really hard day and I need to push myself to do some self care so that I don’t implode. It’s turned into a crisis tool, instead of something preventative and life giving.

The other piece to my midnight stewings, has been that I often get lost in the lists and ‘to do’s', the necessaries and mundane of my life as a stay at home mom with 4 kids. I grew up in a home that celebrated the major things, such as birthday’s and the big holidays, but otherwise, we were a hard working, stoic, quiet family. I saw that putting together the events to celebrate birthdays was a lot of work for my mom, and having any company over was very stressful for her.  I often heard the words duty, should, hard, and because, growing up. I now struggle to celebrate. The idea of having a celebration often feels like a lot of work and exhaustion to me. I need to practice the art of celebration. The definitions of the word celebrate, include ‘having ceremonies, solemnizing, lavishly praising, publicly proclaiming something favourable, observing, commemorating, having a party and an uninhibited good time’.

There is a whole host of different ways to celebrate! And some of them don’t even seem like a lot of work.

The other night I had an idea. That instead of forcing myself to journal gratitude’s, I would rather try doing one thing for myself, and find one thing in my life to celebrate, every single day. Even if it’s just sticking lemon water in a pretty glass and toasting the fact that the children are alive and tucked safely into bed. Or buying myself one flower for my bedside table.

I am excited by this idea. This doesn’t feel like a should, or the proverbial cod liver oil that is good for me and will make me feel better when it’s done. This feels more like a treasure hunt. To pursue the finding of one thing for me, and one thing to celebrate each day. And the next. And the next. These two things also feel manageable. I woke up happier this morning knowing that I am allowed to pick one thing to do for myself, and one thing to celebrate.  Perhaps this will make my mornings a little bit smoother. Less focused on the ‘To Do’s’ and more focused on the delights in my life, right here and now.

I know that my children will love joining me on the celebration idea, not so sure they will get behind my more selfish one.

Today I chose to buy myself a new stash of chocolate and a bag of yummy grapefruits.

Today we are celebrating the fact that it is a sunny day and Hoty’s work has shifted to being less stressful. We may even pull out some crystal glasses and drink some wine.