What

Do the following have in common?

• Having to drive around the block multiple times before finding parking, when I’m late and have all 4 children.
• People who talk over top of me and tell my children the opposite of what I’m telling them.
• A child who whines all day long.
• A government official who displays no compassion.
• A mess made by another grown up that I have to clean up.
• A child who declares “I can’t” all week long.
• People who ignore me.
• Being interrupted when my head is sunk into a project. Usually writing.
• A mucky floor less than 24 hours after I’ve mopped it.

All of these things can induce rage in me.

Ridiculous, isn’t it? I mean, some of them are irritating, some down right frustrating and maddening, but rage? That might be a little out of proportion. I’m not proud of it, but some of these things can cause me to picture slamming my head through a closed window, or beating the snot out of someone. Really, truly, for real. Please try not to judge. Please know that I don’t act on those impulses, and I talk to my counselor about it. In fact, it’s a very normal affect of a PTSD diagnosis. It’s also a very normal affect of parenting. But we don’t talk too much about that, do we? Us Mama’s aren’t supposed to have bouts of rage directed at the precious being entrusted into our loving care.

I guess it always comes down to what we do with it. I run. I breath. I give myself time outs. I jump on the trampoline. I hula hooped it out the other day. Which IS ridiculous and gets you laughing, and an ab workout all in one!

Do you ever deal with parental and/or PTSD rage? If so, how do you deal with it?

Plus, for all of you who need a ridiculously, happy piece of eye candy to get you through the week? Check this out.

Well that lasted long

And we are public again. I was losing too many of you. Couldn’t figure out how to get some of you joined up, and there was a bit of hysteria behind the scenes via email. (my hysteria, don’t think any of you are that invested in reading me)

So, new plan of action. Password protect many posts and pics.

Sorry for the confusion, time you spent, and my general muddling around.

Protected: Brain jumble

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Semi sad day

I’m going private, folks.

I’m starting a new job, with another one on the horizon, both of which require a higher level of privacy in my life.

I’m super excited about this new chapter in my life. But sad that this bloggy one has to change. I’ve realized that the biggest reasons for this blog have been finding community, and the therapy of writing out my thoughts.

I can still do that, while maintaining the privacy needed for my jobs.

Leave a comment, or shoot me an email if you want on the list.

natgardesigns at yahoo dot ca.

Protected: Confession Friday: Freaking out

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Valentines Day? Or Month?

Christine’s at it again.

Shocking people. Freeing them, to say ‘Me too’ and creating a safe space to talk about hard things.

And since it’s February, that means that it’s all about sex, honesty, intimacy and carving out more time for all of the above.

I’m not going to lie. This has been hard for Hoty and I lately. January was tough, and the first bit of February has been just as hard. I’ve been struggling with my head space. Between the weather, a hard hormonal cycle, lots of new ideas, and looming PTSD anniversaries, it’s been tough to get in the mood.

After the other night of a massive PTSD meltdown, I finally had to face the fact that it had been too long that my husband and I were intimate. When that happens, our marriage isn’t fantastic. We get cranky with each other, distant, and stop talking to each other.

I will admit that I am that woman that has sex and thinks “Wow! That was amazing, why don’t we do that everyday?”

So. Our challenge this year, is to be intimate in some fashion, every other day, for the rest of February.

Can I challenge all of you to carve out some intentional time to be more intimate or vulnerable with those you love this month?

Weekend recap

The weekend was in some ways very quiet. In others, not. I suppose it’s fair to say that on the calendar it looked very quiet. In reality, not so much.

Saturday morning started with a phone call from a friend. Could we take her dog. Her 6 month old coon hound pup. Her husband just found out he has the same lung cancer as my mom.  Cue my issues. I got really, really grumpy. Good thing I had a 6 month old pup that needed regular running through out the day.

We also had a few household items that needed dealing with.

I then returned a book to the library that wasn’t a library book. It’s a book someone lent me. (yes, you read my blog…) My awesomest librarian sibling is on the hunt for me, I really hope it shows up.

I thought I was doing alright, until I was mid rant at one of my children and they interrupted me with ‘I didn’t do it, mom.’ And I deflated. I did apologize right away, and explained that I was feeling extra grumpy, and that I would take my grumpy away from them.

The evening was spent drinking wine, eating lots of ice cream, and hanging with good friends. That was lovely.

Sunday? Lots of laundry. Especially after I dumped the cream and sugar pots all over my bed. Note to self: no more tea in bed. And who knew that cream, mixed with coconut sugar stains? I didn’t. Sunday afternoon/evening was lovely and quiet. We got to celebrate with the friend who got her court order. Miss Joy is trying to understand it all and asks us every hour about her friend coming home. I am carefully explaining that the friend isn’t coming here. I’m not sure she totally agrees with that.

And here it is, Monday morning. I have had children popping out of beds way too early like those gophers at chucky cheese, and a skunk who appears to have sprayed the front of my house. It smells so bad in my house right now I feel nauseous.

I feel as though my day could go either way right now.

Time for some self care, stepping back, prioritizing the day, and deciding how I want our day to flow.

On that note, I’m off to bed (with water) to do just that.

Hope your Monday has started off better than mine!

Confession Friday: PTSD edition (again)

1.I confess that a most fantastic friend got a court order today and I simultaneously cried and did a small, slow happy dance. It’s about FREAKING TIME this woman got to this stage. Seriously, life is so not fair in this arena of adoption.

2. I confess I had a SUCKY, SUCKY night and I am walking around like something the cat dragged in, then dragged out, left on the road to be driven over a few times and decomposed for a few days. Too graphic? Well, it’s how I feel.

3. I confess that I was surprised at the depth of my PTSD meltdown last night, how long it lasted, and the symptoms I got to relive that I haven’t seen for a long while.

4. I confess it was so bad that Hoty stayed home from work today. That might also be because he’s exhausted from holding me while I was alternating between weeping, rage, freezing and shaking.

5. I confess that my children are watching a lot of TV today.

6. I confess that my Daddy is amazing and is taking me to see improv theater tonight in order to get me laughing. Here’s hoping I can stay awake.

7. I confess that I napped this morning and I’m hoping to nap this afternoon. Or at least lie on the couch while supposedly watching crap TV.

8. I confess that I am going to not think about my future career options until after a big meeting next week, which will most likely be a factor in me deciding the directions I go.

9. I confess that I’m dreaming of getting a dog. A small sized staffy terrier to be precise.

10. I confess that I wish I could be stronger and more independent.

Happy Weekend, lovely people! We have a very quiet weekend, and I’m hoping it stays peaceful, restful, and full of good food and lovely friends.

Tunnel

Pic from Google Images

It feels like I’m staring down the tunnel of being a full-time, stay at home mom, and I can see the end.

Weird. Exciting. Scary. Wonderful!

Lots going on around here. Meetings, research, learning curves that are steep, and loads of doubts. Doubting my ability, my time, my knowledge, my energy. This equates anxiety. The last time I went back to work, I had a complete and utter meltdown of almost psych ward proportions. Mandatory 6 months off from the docs.

Yup, it’s scary to think about trying this again. Thankfully, I’m not newly home with a newborn who cries all night long, nor with a new PTSD diagnosis. I’ve learned a lot. A LOT in the last couple of years.

Here’s hoping I remember it.

As for the work? Well, I have options, ideas, and an offer. They couldn’t be more diverse. Time to start figuring out what I want to do. It could be as simple as a part time job for low pay at a garden center. Which would be fun, easy and relatively relaxing. Or it could mean lots of school and slowly building a career. There could be several differing aspects to this career.

Hee! Excited. And pretty sure I can do it. Just…

Nervous.

Cheer me on, will you? Can’t say much more until things are more concrete and decided.

PS. The picture is from one of our favourite hiking spots. It’s where Hoty proposed for the second time. That’s a story for another day.

Protected: ‘Joy’ful Moment

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